How can He possibly be so attentive and caring? While He sits enthroned in the heavenlies, is praised without end
by creation, commands the angel armies ----- He still gives focused
care to His soul-carrying little ones. Little ones....... that's us
friend.
Little.
It seems the older I get the better i'm
able to grasp just how infinitely tiny I am. So little. When we stand
beside the great oceans, we feel our smallness (and don't we love that feeling). When we look at the
massive size of the mountains, we know. We are specs in a massive
universe.
The Camino De Santiago is a path often
called The Way of St. James. It stretches from the western corner of
France all the way across the country of Spain ending at the far
western town of Fisterra. Ages ago most people believed Fisterra,
Spain to the the edge of the world. They thought if you sailed past
Fisterra's immense ocean horizon, you would fall off the world.
Remembering history class helps us put it in place. Columbus believed
the world was round while most everyone else thought it to be flat.
And the rest, as they say, is history.
Steve and I have just completed the 29
day journey of biking (and on the biggest hills, walking) the Camino
De Santiago. I've never felt so tiny and needy in all my life.
Everyday we prayed as the sun came up, literally saying, “Father we
need you again. We're so needy of You.” Our fifty-something- selves
felt overwhelmed at the daily task of biking another 20+ miles day
after day after day. Muscles we didn't remember we had came alive
again ----- and they ached as they woke up. It was a struggle to put
away the wish for comfortable and familiar. But for almost 2 decades
we had wanted to travel this path the apostle James had carved out on
his missionary journey to a very pagan people. The goodness of God
and the teaching of Jesus had never crossed those huge mountains and
flat plains. All they had were other lesser gods, created by people
in an effort to reach for something greater. When James arrived, they
had never heard the Truth, they did not know the Way, they had no
hope for the future. To walk (bike) that ancient path was an
experience I will likely spend the rest of my days processing.
It is the "smallest" i've ever felt. It
was right.
Every morning we asked for His help. We
knew we couldn't cover the ground in front of us if He did not go
before us. Every evening we asked for His help. We knew we wouldn't
find a place to lay our heads if He didn't provide. Every night we
asked for His help. We knew our sleep would only come if He gave us
the gift of rest. We knew we could not do the Camino if God did not
do it through us.
I looked at other pilgrims, the term
used for everyone traversing the Way, and wondered if they too knew
their inability, or was it just me that felt so profoundly unable? At
least 2 dozen times I wanted to turn in my mountain bike and get a
bus to the airport. Not kidding. But inside me there was this urging,
like an invitation, “Come, do this with Me”. It was yet another
experience of knowing that if I did not do this, I would have to
answer for it when I stood before Him on that great judgement day. So
I talked long with the Father. We talked through all the reasons why
I wanted to give up. He spoke so clearly to my heart. Here's a
sampling of some of our talks during the 500+ miles I peddled across
Spain.
Me: Now God, you know there are about a
hundred other things I need to be doing right now...
Abba: None of those things will please
me as much as you spending these miles with me.
Me: But God, don't you think people are
going to think i'm indulging in a month long sabbatical?
Abba: If they do, that's between me and
them. Focus on what I think donna. I'm your Defender.
Me: But God, what about our wonderful
supporters? People who give so generously every month so we can obey
Your call and serve others?
Abba: Those supporters give because I,
God, stir their hearts to do so. Their support is about Me and what
I'm doing through you, it's not about you and what you think you're
doing for Me. They are giving to Me ----- not you.
Me: But what if we get hurt doing this
Lord? You know there are so many things that could mess-us-up on this
journey...
Abba: Do you trust me or not?
Me: I want to do this Abba, I really
do. But i'd rather have a bunch of friends with us. It would feel so
much safer and we'd all have so much fun.
Abba: I'm jealous for you.
Me: Will you use this journey?
Abba: I already am.
Me: Did James know all the ways you
would use his obedience?
Abba: He didn't know then. He knows
now.
Me: Is it right that I feel so
immensely small and useless?
Abba: I've been waiting patiently for
you to feel this way. I can use a tiny daughter.
And so it went, on and on, day after
day. I'd speak out my heart (no hiding allowed), and He would
respond. Scripture flooded my mind. I'd cry and the wind would dry my
cheeks. He'd guide the direction of my eyes to notice the little
things that He never misses; things He adores. The old couple, each
with a cane, walking slowly holding hands. The bird that flew beside
me stopping on fence posts to wait for me to catch up and as I passed
it would sing so loudly.
The millions of dandelions
e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e. Over and over again I'd be walking my bike up a
mountain (cause this little-girl can NOT pedal straight up), looking
down (so the sweat wouldn't keep sliding into my eyes) and there
would be another bright dandelion, smiling up at me. The times the
wind was at my back, almost as if there were wings pushing me onward.
The times the wind was in my face, pushing the pesky flies away. Do
you know how hard it is to bike uphill with flies attacking your eyes
and nose?... maybe you do. I didn't. I do now. But when strong winds
come, flies can't stay. (there's another whole blog in that sentence)
Every thought i've had about the
transitioning from Kenya back to home in the States, well, we sorted
it out on that long bike ride.
Every hurt i've wrestled with while
living in Kenya........ we set right and laid down at the foot of the
cross.
Every concern i've had about “are You
sure about this change in ministry?”, I cried it out to Him and He
reassured me again that, it's His, not mine. His words to my heart
were, “Well of course you feel unsure, since it's not your idea,
not your plan, and you know you can't do it.
It's mine, my plan, and I will do it.
You just obey me daughter...”.
And the Savior soothes the soul He
knows, and strengthens the weak knees He made.
Imagine it..... He doesn't despise our
weakness. He glows IN IT.
This morning this tiny-Light-carrier
sat with His words again. Steve brought my morning cup of wake-up and
read these Oswald Chambers words to me. And these are the words we
ruminated over together.
~from October 12 – My Utmost for His Highest
“Enoch walked with God...”
Genesis 5:24 (imagine our hearts, we just finish a 532 mile
journey and this scripture preaches to us more than ever
before)
“The true rest of a person's
spiritual life and character is not what he does in the extraordinary
moments of life, but what he does during the ordinary times when
there is nothing tremendous or exciting happening. A person's worth
is revealed in his attitude toward the ordinary things of life when
he is not under the spotlight (see John 1:35-37). It is painful work
to get in step with God and to keep pace with Him --- it means
getting your second wind spiritually. In learning to walk with
God, there is always the difficulty of getting into His
stride, but once we have done so, the only characteristic that
exhibits itself is the very life of God Himself. The individual
person is merged into a personal oneness with God, and God's stride
and His power alone are exhibited.
It is difficult to get into stride
with God, because as soon as we start walking with Him we find
that His pace has surpassed us before we have even taken three steps.
He has different ways of doing things, and we have to be trained and
disciplined in His ways. It was said of Jesus – “He will not fail
nor be discouraged...” (Isaiah 42:4) because He never worked from
His own individual standpoint, but always worked from the standpoint
of His Father. And we must learn to do the same. Spiritual truth is
learned through the atmosphere that surrounds us, not through
intellectual reasoning. It is God's Spirit that changes the
atmosphere of our way of looking at things, and then things begin
to be possible which before were impossible. Getting into God's
stride means nothing less than oneness with Him. It takes a long time
to get there, but keep at it. Don't give up because the pain is
intense right now--- get on with it, and before long you will find
that you have a new vision and a new purpose.
Oh dear one, along The Way these words
lived. If “i” thought I could do anything (within my human self),
it became almost laughable at how quickly the impossible-wall
overwhelmed me. But if I kept my internal and external focus on the
pace of my Father walking beside me, before I could even grasp the
size of the mountain in front of me, it would be behind me. I felt
almost giddy over the sense of being carried.
Even though my feet took every step or
pedaled every inch ----- so often at day's end I wondered if i'd
actually done it.
And I knew --- we were traveling at
His pace. My job was to show up, be honest with Him, and then
l-i-s-t-e-n. Now then, it's ok if you might be thinking i'm a bit
wacky. I'd likely agree with you. But still --- I want you to have
this, to know this, to journey far with the One who adores you
completely (battle-scars and all, imperfections wash away beside
Him). To travel the distance of your numbered days with the One who
wants to carry you. You probably won't need to walk across a country,
or bike to the sea. You can journey the distance right where you are.
But for sure, you'll have to put sole to soil and press yourself to
obey ------ and then it'll come to you too. The joy of watching the
Holy Words come alive ---- when you see it happen, when, “The
Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never
leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
“...He rides across the heavens to help you and on the clouds in
his majesty.” “Who is like you, a people saved by the Lord... He
is your shield and helper (your Ezer).” ~from Deuteronomy 31:8,
33:26-29
There's so much
more to share and in time, at the right pace, the pace of the One
i've settled down into. I hope i'm able to put it rightly in words
that can honor Him and encourage you. In the mean time, this
tiny-daughter is moving forward, peaceful in front of the mountain,
secure on the shoreline of mighty waters. She knows the One who's in
charge. His robes have become her blanket.
And step......... step.......... step.........
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