When something happens in our lives, or
something is about to happen........
When we step into the places of
meta-cognition, and actually slow down enough to think about what
we're thinking about...........
When someone says something to us or
sometimes even worse, when they should have, but they
didn't...........
At almost every juncture of human
interaction, it can happen in the blink of an eye.
We form a view, we develop an idea of
what we think they meant by what they said or did. We adopt an
internal view that can compel our response, or we may stay silent and
keep it to ourselves. They too are forming their own view of the
situation. Hopefully both views are positive. We can hope the heart
and mind of both individuals is upright and well-intentioned. If so,
it's the best chance the interaction will land in good places. But
here's the craziness of human interactions ------- even when both
participating parties are good hearted and well-meaning -------- so
often something that should have glided through smoothly,
inadvertently turns sideways, a clog-up forms, and one or both people
can walk away a bit quirked on the inside.
Good grief, it happens quicker than
lightening. And always the thunder boom comes afterwards, sometimes
in the far distance, sometimes close enough to rattle a heart.
The thunder-moment comes when we
realize the odds have worked out against us.
It's terribly important we realize,
that when lightening strikes, it always causes damage! Every-time.
When we hear the thunder roll, it is telling us that somewhere,
something just got whammed with upwards of one billion volts.
If the thunder roll is far away, we
know the impact was miles away. But when the thunder rumbles our own
chest, we know the volts did damage up-close.
Lightening is much more clear than
human interactions.
Here's the skinny of it. When we have a
conversation, whether through verbal words or body language, we must
remember -------- two thought-clouds are coming near one another
------- and if they collide, emotional-lightening will be produced.
Emotional-thunder lets us know damage occurred. For some people the
lightening's damage shows up quickly (the sanguine and choleric), but
for some the damage that occurred will show up in more distant
thunder (phlegmatic and melancholy). But, the impact happened, the
damage is there and the wise among us are cautious on the front side
and quick to care in the aftermath.
Hang in here with me for the real dilly
of it. (As if lightening and thunder isn't big enough........)
When communicating with one another,
there is usually something of importance to convey. Whether it's the
list of items needed at the market, the information needed to
complete a task, or the way we feel concerning a previous
interaction, what we need to hear from another needs to be heard in
right ways. What they need to convey needs to be said in right ways.
And right there at the birth of the
conveyance ----- we can see four ways it can go.
Two are positive: it was said
accurately and it was heard accurately.
Two are negative: it was said wrongly
and it was heard wrongly.
Then consider the crazy that comes when
perhaps it was said right, but heard wrong..................
Add in the timing, tone, facial
expressions of the speaker ------- and then timing, mood, and
previous interactions of the day for the listener, and you have more
levels of multiple options for negative or positive understanding.
Bottom-line reality is -------- there
is one right way to communicate and one right way to hear ------ and
if either of these is “off” then, clouds come close and collision
is likely.
Some might want to click delete now. I
totally get that. The thinking that says, “Good grief it's just too
hard and i'm already tired from all life's other pressures. There's
no way I can win. Why even try?”
But oh let's reign in that runaway
horse and remind it of who is in the saddle.
The phrase, “There's no way I can
win”, is a BIG reveal and we must keep it exposed and defeated.
Winning isn't wonderful when alone is
attached to it.
And if someone else had to endure the
emotional-lightening of about a billion volts, they're not going to
want to keep standing close to the one who keeps delivering the
impact.
Winning matters in war and the
Olympics. One wins, all others lose.
Winning in relational interactions can
only be accomplished with two or more winners. No losers are allowed
on the field.
Every divorce i've ever heard of meant
that one had demanded they had to “win” OR that one was exhausted
from being forced to lose. That's when marriage looks more like war
than love.
And even if the “one” thinks
they've finally found a way to win, in the end, there's so much
rumbling thunder in the skies, the damage done will take years to
repair if reparation is even possible. Sometimes “winning” is the
worst thing that can happen.
Winning and losing is the wrong goal in
relationship. It's right for a world-war ------ but wrong in a home.
And communication is the key that
turns the lock one way or the other. It will either unlock
what had been locked up tight, or it will lock up what had previously
been open.
Communication. Is. So. Important.
In 1967, Dr. Albert Mehrabian and Susan
Ferris conducted 2 studies of 30 females trying to determine the
correlation between verbal and non-verbal communication. They wanted
to determine which weighs in heavier? Which carries less impact? The
results of their study have been widely shared and wrongly
communicated.
Interesting.
A study on communication being
w-r-o-n-g-l-y communicated. Gotta grin, don't we?
He's famous (much to his chagrin) for
the 7-38-55 theory. Broken down the study implied 93% of
communication is non-verbal. His theory proposed the breakdown as: 7%
being verbal, 38% vocal (tone), and 55% visual (expression).
But wait. All this could come from two
studies with 30 females?
And yet, can we remove the numbers and
percentages and look at the realities they expose.
We might walk away with gold in hand.
How someone says what they say is much
more impactful than the actual words they use. Don't we already know
this?
I can say, “I love you”, with a
hawk look in my eye ------- and it can become a scary string of
words.
Or I can say, “I love you” with
gentle eyes, leaning forward, arms uncrossed and it becomes a safe,
kind string of words. Add to the words the prior actions that
validate the words and the communication can land without
complications. As long as the “runway” is clear of debris.
Because the receiver either has or does not have the ability to
“hear” and believe.
No matter how expertly a pilot is able
to land the plane, if the runway has been bombed and boulders cover
it ------- the plane can not land.
So ------ communication requires both
the giver and the receiver to allow goodness and kindness and what is
upright to land between them.
What is upright will bring a rightness
to the space between them ----- no voltage ------ no winners or
losers. Just both parties bringing the desire for good to fill the
space.
It's not easy.
It's actually immensely difficult.
Add in the reality that there is an
enemy that wants healthy relationships to fail. That enemy wants to
isolate, and separate, and make people feel alone.
So ------ what am I driving at?
Relationships are pre-determined to
struggle. There are at least a billion ways it can go wrong ---- as
each bolt of lightening can deliver that many volts ------ so each
string of words can bring lethal damage if not carefully handled.
Therefore ----- to know the seriousness
of each communication ---- to “think about how we think” about
communication ---- to begin the work of crafting our words, gestures,
facial expressions, and actions as if we're intentionally painting
our own private Sistine Chapel. Every stroke of Michelangelo's brush
was intentional. He never once could allow a messy, careless slinging
of paint.
Intentionality............. so what is
created is beautiful.
Intentionality.............because what
could be lost would cause all to lose.
Intentionality.............in word,
gesture, facial expression, action, and motive.
Intentionality.............since all
the world is aching to see goodness actually win.
Intentional .............. to remember
that everyone who catches a glimpse of the-authentic-beautiful might
be willing to try and carefully put paint to brush on their own
relationship-canvas.
For this to actually happen we must
lean away from the wild-card-ways and careless-words flung around in
this limping world. And remember ------- the One who created us knows
the best way through the landmine of communication in relationships.
He said, “Be kind. Be gentle. Be patient. Consider the interest of
others. Love one another.” It's sprinkled all in God's Holy Words.
And isn't Jesus the ultimate example of
intentional living. Wow! 30 years of waiting.........3 years of
ministry........... knowing His death and resurrection would be
needed. He was, is, and will always be the way. The truth.
Considering the reality that there are
about a billion ways communication can fall short ------- it compels
me all the more to hold tight to His robe, walk at His pace, do what
He says, and “speak” carefully (using words when needed).
We must face the reality ----- that the
odds are against us ----- but there is ONE who is forever, faithfully
for us.
Run your race, speak carefully, hold
the Robe.
Imagine ----- this is what flooded
through my heart before my feet touched the floor this morning.
No wonder I grab coffee and His word
before the sun slides over the horizon. :)
