Seriously God... are you telling me
that after all these years of living and loving, i've been “off”.
That's exactly what my Abba tells me.
But His words are wrapped with so much love and grace. Not berating
and harsh, but gently wooing. i find myself pausing lonnnnng to
actually grasp that He is once again using the “rod and staff” to
comfort me (even as He corrects me).
That same rod will discipline me if i
linger too long on the guidance of the staff.
It's the right moment to go silent. To
sit still, be steady, and drop my head. To allow the wind to blow
away what i thought..., and let the Son settle the warmth onto my
shoulders of what is better.
It's been a mystery for most of my
decades.
You might want to stop reading now ---
as what follows might be something you “got” long ago. You'll
possibly roll your eyes over the words below and declare inwardly,
she's a mess.
But as i reach for the robe over, and
over, and over again, i bend to the obedience of sharing what He's
teaching me and if only the slower to learn surround me, well, how
beautiful to know He calls even the slow ones His Beloved.
After more than 5 decades of l-o-v-e,
here's the bony skeleton of me.
Why is it Lord that i can love someone
completely, sincerely, purely, with an upright heart, but the result
of my love for them might or might not bring love in return? It's not
a pitiful “i'm not loved” issue. Not at all. I am loved, this i
know. But, instead it's a lonely whisper of rejection and dismissal
that has plagued me for far too long. Today, is it's last day of
hiding in a back room.
In a recent conversation with my oldest
son, he said words that dove deep into the waters of what my Abba had
already begun pouring. He said, “Mom, do you know what you could do
to make me the happiest son in the world?... Let yourself rest and
know, that you are wildly loved.”
Steve and i have just finished reading
“Beyond Ordinary” by Trisha and Justin Davis. It's a great read
for the married couple who's decided they really do love each other,
but they are tired of the whiplash moments in their “good”
marriage when life hits too hard and the seatbelt of commitment that
holds them in place, might have saved the marriage but they're left
stunned and aching.
It seems that man of mine and i are
always learning. We graduate out of one “class” feeling pretty
good about our new-found-knowledge only to realize the next “course”
we need to attend started maybe 2 or 3 days ago and we're behind
again. (Not really --- but well, sort of). Perhaps it's because we've
dedicated our lives to ministering to marriages that it seems we're
always 3 steps forward, two steps back on the path before us. And
being honest, (but not giving too much attention to or credit) it's a
reality that the Lord we love and serve so earnestly, He has an
enemy. And that enemy works day and night to stop the kids that love
and serve the Father. So sometimes... sometimes it feels like the
wind is blowing too hard to stick our little, feathery heads outside
our timid, creaky birdhouse... maybe we should just forgo the worms,
let's just huddle in and hide.
But love...
Have you ever noticed how love compels
us onward... always.
Self will invite us to hide.
Fear whispers, you might get hurt.
Rejection declares, they're not gonna
like you.
Isolation uses a megaphone, “you ---
are ---- alone”.
But love...
Love is like the wind-chimes outside my
window. It's gentle but clear, it responds to the wind but not with
resistance or frustration. It glides with it and produces something
the wind alone could never have accomplished. joy-sounds.
Love says don't hide, i want to use you
in the wide open spaces.
Love says, yes, you will get hurt, but
it's ok, i'm in tight with the One who can fix those gouges so that
you'll be even better than you were before the wound broke you.
Love says, oh, for sure, some will push
you away. They do me too. It hurts for a time, but then, when all
the dust settles, you'll find --- i'm still alive and well.
Love says, when you are most alone,
nothing can hide.
Trisha and Justin Davis share their
pursuit of extraordinary out of the shadows of ordinary. Thank God
for the beautiful ones like them who are willing to pull back the
shades and let us see GOD AT WORK.
After all, if something is perfect ----
what need does it have of God.
In one of the chapters, Trisha says
something that whammed me. Steve was reading that morning (we take
turns), and as the words slipped through the air, tears slipped down
my face. Trisha was sharing about her own epiphany while reading a
Brennan Manning classic, Abba's Child, with her husband, Justin. Got
the picture here --- i burst into tears as my husband and i are
reading about what another couple was reading from yet another book.
Go ahead, laugh, yep, i'm a mess. (We are now reading Abba's Child –
my learning continues.)
But here's what brought about my salty
eruption. Trisha writes:
“In the past when i would
authentically and deeply love people with compassion and tenderness,
I often didn't get the same in return. While I love seeing people
succeed, it crushed me when they would break my trust in the
process... I had thought, 'If i am faithful to you, then you should
be faithful to me.'”
(I wrote in the book margin --- “this
has been a heart trap for me”...)
In my lifetime i've had many, many
friends. What a gift a true friend is. Many of you reading this blog,
you are God's gift to my heart.
But throughout my life there have also
been a very few friends that devastated my heart with their false
reciprocation of love. We've all experienced those short-term
friendships that shocked us when we realized they were only there for
what they could get. But wait... we thought they'd be there forever.
For me, when i love a friend, i'm all
in. But what happens when the friend only wants to use you while
you're “in” their life, and when you no longer have anything they
want, they toss you out, perhaps even with a smile on their face.
It's always been a mystery to me. Users
who take, and feel fine moving on to greener pastures after they've
gulped all the grass you've lovingly given them.
Well --- Trisha and i could share a
long cup of java over this kind of hurt.
But, what she writes a paragraph later,
opened my eyes (and expanded my tear ducts).
“God's mercies are new every morning
because He knew we would need them every day. I had to embrace the
painful reality that my view of myself masked a dangerous illusion
that I would never be unfaithful, when in truth I am unfaithful to
God every day. Yet in his great love and his daily mercies, he still
chooses to love me. The question – would i surrender to this new
way of life that would ask me to do the same?
“My new life in Him is daily choosing
to surrender my need to find my identity in the way people respond to
the way I love them, forgive them, and trust them. The “impostor”
(from Chapter 2, Abba's Child), tells me to stop trusting others
because they will let me down.”
(Oh Trisha, thank you, can i pour you
another cup of coffee...)
Of all the beautiful, close-to-heart,
loving friends i have, i've always had this horrific fear lurking in
a backroom closet. An impostor that sent relentless messages, “if
they really knew you, they'd hit the road”... “remember, once you
stop doing what they want you to do, you'll be alone again”...
“you've been a misfit all your life, you'll never really fit in”...(i'm not saying these are "truths", but just what the impostor presses for)-------
and that impostor works relentlessly to
keep people apart, friends separated, hearts unsure (and he's not
just doing that in mine and Trisha's lives...)
But wait...
If i am unashamedly loving others -----
then won't they love me back?
People pleasers silently believe that
if they can please you, then your overflow of happiness, will
sprinkle back on them. And at the end of the day, everybody goes home
smiling.
And yet ---- people pleasers often feel
the slam of the screen door in their face as they watch their
“friend” walk away ---- pleasing them didn't secure the
friendship. No amount of sincere love could maintain faithful
friendship.
Bottom line ----
people choose.
They choose if they will love, why they
will love, when, where, how often they will love.
Love is a choice --- when people are
concerned.
Love is a guarantee --- with God.
Inside my Bible, on one of those
blank pages at the beginning, on the thin, parchment like paper, i
have written:
My life in HIM is daily choosing to
surrender my need to find my identity in the way people respond to
the way i love them, forgive them, trust them.
The impostor tells me to stop
trusting others because they will let me down. This impostor works
against me trying to take over my thoughts, shut me down, and keep me
prisoner in the muck and mire of bitterness and self-protective
anger. (Trisha Davis)
This is painfully true in my life as
well. So i must daily choose to surrender to God how others see me or
respond to me. “Others” do no define my identity.
I must choose to do the next right
thing... and focus on God's eyes on me, not others responses to me.
God loves me ------- His mercies are
fresh and new every morning for me.
God chooses to love me.
That's my focus.
And therefore ---- i choose to love
others ----- freely --- with no “if i, then you...” strings
attached.
Surrender all the strings to Abba
--- and love others as God loves me! (they don't have to love me
back) Abba Does Enough of that...
It's been over three years now since i
last spoke with a friend that walked away from my heart. She had no
idea how much i treasured her gentle friendship in my life.
It was ten years prior, that a
different friend had exited our family's friendship.
Neither of them gave a reason. They
just went away, a slow fade.
Does it sound laughable to you --- that
as a grown woman --- i wept over the void they left?
I prayed for them, reached out to them,
forgave them, asked God to bless them, prayed for their kids, missed
their kids in our home, and each time i pulled out a
family-favorite-recipe they had shared, i wondered... what did i do
that drove them away...?
Did you know i've always struggled letting
a new friend get close ---- because i knew it would matter deeply to my
heart if/when they chose to walk-away?
It's a secret... shhhh... don't tell
anyone...
But when Brennan Manning exposed the
“impostor” and Trisha Davis shared her secret pain, my tears came
quick and they were laced with years of hurt, over honest friendship
rejected and a people-pleasers sorrow.
And God entered in ---- center stage
---- and whispered from His spotlight position (no microphone needed)
----
“My dear girl, you've been living and
loving with your life wheels out of alignment. You've always thought
you loved unconditionally, but hear my loving words over you as i
make all this clear. You have loved much ---- but with strings
attached.”
What God? No, truly, this can't be
true...
“donna, just breathe and listen
carefully to My heart-words-of-life for you. You've not known it, but
I have... don't condemn yourself, instead, feel My grace.
“You've always done it. Somehow when
you were the littlest of girls, you did it. You've done it so long,
you didn't know there was a better way. My way. The way I love.
You've always loved others, but you've had little invisible strings
attached to your love. You silently thought, 'if i do this for them,
then they'll naturally want to do this for me, and we'll both feel
loved, and all will be well'. 'if i love them 'good enough', then
they'll automatically love me back, and i won't be alone, i will be
loved.' 'if i love my children with focused selflessness, they'll
always know they are loved and they'll always love me back.' 'if i'm
a good friend to others, loyal and true, then they'll be a good
friend to me...loyal...true.'”
Oh Lord --- when the words aren't
polished and the rawness hangs out --- that sounds so horribly
selfish. It sounds like --- “i'll love others SO they will love me
back --- and that means the reason for my love --- is wrapped up in
what it will get me in return...” Oh GOD --- that's not the way it
should be. Oh Father, i've been so wrong...
And His Heaven-clean words came and
washed me again...
“donna, you've loved. That matters.
Now I, God, want to take you further into the great mystery of LOVE.
Your strings-attached love has been your frightened way of trying to
self-protect yourself. When that first hurt came to you, as hurts
always come to everyone, you, like others, began trying to figure out
how you could outsmart the pains of life. And you decided you would
out-love others so you could have a good return for your investment
of love. You didn't trust the simple fact of MY LOVE flow, you wanted
to insure a flow of love would come from those 'indebted' to you. Do
you see my daughter? Look deeply at it. For it has grieved my heart
these past many years. That's why when your friend walked away, i
allowed that pain to sit sideways inside you. I cared that you were
hurting, but what was more important to me was that you begin to see
--- loving others is no guarantee of their love --- and yet, it's
what i want you to do each and every day --- no return policy
allowed. No strings attached. No --- i'll love you and then you'll
love me strategy allowed. Because, I, God, am the only true source of
love. I loved you first --- donna, have you always responded to my
love with love. You haven't. And... it's ok daughter.
I will always love you whether you love
me back or not.
I do not love you in order to gain your
love in return.
I love you no matter what.
I don't need your love to steady the
flow of my own.
I love you freely, completely --- with
no strings attached.
You can respond to Me however you like
– and I will always respond with love.
And that is what I am calling you to
now.
Love others freely.
No strings attached.
Don't love your husband sweetly and
deeply, hoping you'll get a good return on your investment.
No.
Love your husband with a Heaven-gush of
surrender.
Don't love your children with the dream
that they will call you every day and invite you to lunch every
Sunday.
No.
Love your children for the pureness of
making sure they feel loved, accepted, seen, treasured.
No strings/hopes/desires/expectations
allowed.
Don't love your friends with the dream
of never feeling alone or abandoned or forgotten.
No.
Love your friends because you are
willing to let My love water-fall-out-of-you in their direction,
their response is mine... not yours. If they don't love you back,
look in MY direction, you'll be flooded.
Love with no strings attached.
Your love is not yours --- it is simply
mine flowing through you.
So know that I, your Daddy-God, I see
you loving others, and that brings me great joy ---
You Are Loved Deeply not because you do
or do not love others ----
but because
I AM LOVE and I choose you.
How about you my dear one.
Pray deep and ask the Revealer to show
you if you too have been loving with a few little invisible strings
attached.
Don't answer quickly.
Give Him a chance to whisper clear.
I personally believe this
string-attached love has drained countless hearts and left just as
many feeling abandoned, betrayed, and cast to the side.
Our Good Father wants the impostor
exposed, the strings clipped, and the unencumbered flow of love to
storm the gates of our lives.
Just ask --- He'll show you too.
----- i write this, with so much love
------
no strings attached,
donna
