Polished shoes under kacky slacks,
broad shoulders hold his shirt in just the right ways. He's tall and
strong and steady when he walks, and i was there when he first
stepped alone.
He took this momma to lunch two days
before we flew to the other side of the world. We sat and talked in a
room filled with souls that matter much to One, but they were
invisible to us. Our minutes were fewer than we would have liked, but
they were rich... the most valuable things in the world neither clink
on the ground if dropped nor burn away in flames.
So it turns out... King Solomon wasn't
the richest man that ever lived.
Then 48 hours later, my feet lifted off
the ground, and left the place where he is. But, unexplainably true
is the fact that a heart can split and splice and find itself in many
places at once. That quiet, unseen heart, that portions itself out to
all those it loves.
On our lunch date, we paused for a
quick stop at his work, a bit of business needed tending, and as i
sat in the car, I watched him walk away. He was gone only a few
minutes, and i knew he was soon to return. But the moment of watching
him walk away hung silently in the air and said much to my heart. i
had a perfect view as he walked... away.
And deep whispers slid in... “he will
walk towards many things, as he walks away from you... those very
feet that thumped you from the inside will carry him to... many good
things. And I will be with him every where he goes... you can't...
but I WILL... and it is My plan, it is good...”
And i'm reminded ---- walking away from
me must happen before he can walk toward the next good thing. And
there's that promised peace from my Abba.
The last time we left for Kenya, the
“walking away” was a grueling affair. I ached for those that
would watch me walk away, while i also ached as the many i love had
no choice but to turn and walk away as well. It's what must happen
when goodbyes are said. In that initial move, two years ago, my grief
ran long and cut a deep furrow in the universe. Did you happen to
notice how the world tipped a bit in June 2013? Well that would have
been because of the excess of water on the African side of the world
--- tears are heavy ya' know.
There were simply too many goodbyes to
too many precious faces and places. Goodness i even cried over
missing the flowers that would faithfully bloom in the gardens i had
loved planting. The good Lord knows---- if it could be cried over
---- i did.
Now we find ourselves two years later,
saying our “goodbyes again”, preferring to use the words “see
you later”. But at the end of the day, a goodbye rests on our
hearts. And yet i'm realizing God has done something new in us.
Two years ago, the walking away was
unbearable (although, in the end, it was endured and all survived).
The tears lasted about 9 months ---- interesting isn't it, that the
grieving took about the same amount of time as it takes for new life
to form in a mother's womb. There was no way to predict it would take
that long, for some it takes longer, for some less than half the
time. But hearts are different and tears can not be controlled (if
they are, then unhealthy sets in).
So i had cried daily, from June to
February. And that's not counting the pre-departure weeps.
But then one day, the sun came out
again, and it stayed.
The water-flow was finished (well
mostly), the “rainy season” complete (with a few lingering light
showers), and Kleenex sales dropped dramatically in Kenya. :)
And a new perspective on “walking
away” began to grow.
The separation is healthiest when the
focus can lie on the direction ahead and not flounder or fester on
the direction behind.
Looking ahead... it's a better focus.
In the midst of the grief, it's nigh to
impossible to force the eyes to look ahead --- they are just too
blurred by the constant wash of salty tears.
And we'll hear the words, spoken in
love by others, that we should “move on”, but weeping hearts can
not be told how to act, they are quite stubborn laying hidden inside.
Each must be allowed to come to the end
of their “teary season” in their own good time.
Not once in scripture is a time set for
those who mourn. But what is said, is that we should “mourn with
those who mourn”. (i'm eternally thankful to the many who mourned
with me...)
It also says, “there is a time to
mourn and a time to dance”...
So, God's plan, weeping doesn't last
forever.
Grief does pass.
The sun rises faithfully and new days
do come.
With her bright smile and long lashes,
she sparkles beside the tall one God chose for her. She's blooming in
the ways a woman blooms when she's wanted and cared for and loved.
Decorating her mountain home in classic ways that speak of who she is
and not just who everyone else is, i looked long at the framed
chalkboard filling the wall beside her dinner table. On it she's
artfully written, “Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”
With flowing lines and graceful accents, the words capture. They
matter. They are seen by every pair of eyes that pass through their
doorway. Living those words within man-made walls transforms wood and
tile into a sanctuary, a haven. After all, the ones who live there
have asked the King to be their permanent guest , they have drawn
near to Him– He lives there with them, He has drawn near.
And i'm reminded --- if she had never
stepped away from my side, she could have never stepped towards the
peaceful mountain top where she now lays her head. She grew up in the
strong arms of a daddy who loves God, and then was well able to step
into the strong arms of her husband who loves God too. And there is
joy in the journey of her steps for this momma.
If the grief hadn't come two years ago,
if we hadn't obeyed the call and if she hadn't “walked away” down
the wood-floor aisle of that 200 year old little white church in the
mountains, then --- this --- could have never come.
She would have never walked TO this
beautiful place, if she had not first walked away from the beautiful
place beside us.
Focusing on what's coming rather than
floundering over what's being left behind... it is right.
Yesterday, while ministering to a woman
who is grieving over wrong choices her daughter has made, she
confessed her agony over trying to forgive. We sat together and wept.
Her pain needed to be heard. But unforgiveness is a tricky thing. It
will grow dangerous vines that hold one in the past where pain and
hurt came. Even in this, focusing on what's coming is so much better
than floundering over what's in the past. However, the wrong must be
faced and the forgiveness must flow ---- or the grip of ugly will
hold her down, and back. When we finished talking and praying, she
watched the movie “The Passion of the Christ”. It was needed.
She had never seen it before. And while it is a painful movie to
watch, it is a visual reality of what our Jesus suffered --- for us.
My words to her came gently, but with a strength that was necessary.
“When we watch, when we are reminded of how Jesus paid for our sins
----- we must also remember that He was paying for the sins of others
as well. And the price he paid --- covered the debt --- of all.
To hold something against someone is to
shake our heads at Christ and say ---- your suffering was not enough
--- i require more...”
Oh God -- what grief this must cause
your heart.
So she watched and wept and she “saw”
that the wrongs of another had been taken in to account and covered.
She left better able to forgive ----- no more festering in the past,
but instead focusing on the future. God will be found there too.
As she watched the movie depicting the
sufferings of Christ, it hit me strong.
Jesus had to walk away ------ for the
goodness of His grace and love to save us.
We would have floundered hopelessly if
He had not done what only He could do --- He gave us good places to
walk to, as He walked away.
Surely it was Mary, His mother, who
suffered most deeply as she watched Him walk away.
How many times had he walked towards
her ---- as a little boy, running to her arms ---- as a child,
walking to her table --- as a young man, walking towards her home.
But then the day had come when she
began seeing his shoulders more than his chest.
We see shoulders when someone walks
away, we see chests when they walk towards us.
Did God prepare Mary for what would
someday come, when He told her this child would be the Savior of the
world?
Jesus' shoulders were able to carry the
weight ---- only because the heart inside his chest was so strong and
good.
Mary enjoyed the goodness of that heart
as she watched the boy grow. Mary knew the strength of those
shoulders as He carried that cross.
It was in the walking away, that Jesus
saved.
He could not stay. Sin would have won
if he had.
Three days past, i sat on a long flight
beside the youngest that once rested just inside me, right under my
heart. His long hair is a shock of curls, and his scruffy man-face
reminds me he's grown. No longer content to chase lizards in my
flowerbeds and play in cool-water creeks on hot summer days. New
steps call to him, steps divinely planned by the One who made him.
And my soul knows it is right and good.
Because if i cling to him, if i stunt
his ability to step away (and make no mistake, we moms can do that if
we are not careful), then i'll be robbing him of the good things the
Good One has for him. The day before we flew out of Atlanta, we took
our last ride (for a while at least) on the wonderfully windy
mountain roads of north Georgia, we talked long of the days ahead. In
just months he will likely return to the homeland we all love, and he
will join the many who find an ocean between us. But there are good
things waiting for him under the solid oak trees of “home”. God
knows exactly what they are, we do not. But we know we can trust the
One who is good and kind and able to accomplish all that works
together for good --- for those who love Him and are called to His
purposes.
And i'm reminded, the One who guides
him is the One who shares him, and that same One is fully able to
carry him from here beside me to all the other places he was made to
journey through --- after all, His shoulders are more than able. God
made them that way.
And thankfulness rises up.
Imagine all that's ahead for the ones
who took their first breathes in front of me and rested in baby-sweet
ways in these momma arms.
But before they can walk towards those
good places, there is a rightness in blessing them as they walk
away...
These sons of mine will likely someday
walk towards a bride all dressed in white who will promise to love
them and be blessed by their good love. (may those girls love GOD
first though)
All three of my babes-no-more will walk
towards sunrises and sunsets and laughter and peace.
They'll walk towards new homes in new
places on new streets.
They'll walk towards sweet news of a
new birth that'll bring baby cribs and soft blankets and late night
feedings in rocking chairs.
They'll walk towards new jobs, new
beaches, new faces, new horizons...
... and in all these wonderful new
things, i'll thank God for letting each of their “news” be
new-joys in my own journey as well. For “walking away” doesn't
have to equate to subtraction --- rather it can mean addition. Better
still it might just mean multiplication. :)
Jesus proved it.
 | |||
| This was my quiet morning spot while staying at a friend's home during furlough. | Notice the cross... |
It's taken me too long to get to this
place of being thankful about the view of their shoulders.
After all, we momma's fall in love with
the faces we help bring in to the world... right... we prefer seeing
their chest headed our way rather than their shoulders walking away.
But, i've learned...
seeing them walk towards their days
ahead, doesn't mean i'm left behind, it only means, there's more...
crafted by the One who is good.
