Friday, October 26, 2018
I will remember...again
It's 16 days before we board a flight with our last remaining things and fly back home to America. This flight is profoundly different that all other flights before it. This time ------ we're going home.
Going home doesn't mean we stop working. It doesn't mean we're finished. Retirement isn't a word in our personal vocabulary. So what does it mean?
It means our borders are expanding in a new direction. One that will let us be present for family and friends as well as be more available for those needing renewal and rebooting. We're so thankful to know we already have 3 missionary couples lined up for soul-care beginning in December. Makes my heart gush.
5 ½ years ago my eyes could not stop leaking......... moving to the mission field was no small thing. It opened flood gates of tears.
Now 5 ½ years later my heart is gushing over the fullness of all that has taken place and all that is still to come. I know much is ahead. How can I be so sure? Because I also know that what has happened these last few years did not come as a result of me. It came from the One who is ever able; the One who knows what is needed and can deliver with perfection. Without a doubt ---- HE still knows the way forward and there's peace that He is writing the script.
I'm doing the steady work of processing it all out carefully. That's my part. I'm not trying to lean into the GOD-part. His part is huge.
Mine is simply this: Pray, listen, remember,
prepare, focus, respond,
It's my heart's desire (and my job under Him) to encourage. This I know. Oh what peace comes in just knowing.
Encourage the dear Kenyan's through teaching truth and fostering healthy upward growth.
Encourage girls who aren't quite sure why they were born and what the world says to them.
Encourage ladies who have been wounded but they still want to love others and live loved.
Encourage couples who are brave enough to say “Yes” to each other and the path of being His servants in hard places.
Encourage parents to help their children grow-up-in-God, because they will face a hard world on their own someday.
Encourage through writing..... for those who want it on pages.
My heart is gushing for sure. It's intimidating, but in a good way. Years ago it would have doubled me over and sent me to a corner. But oh, i've been taught so much in the midst of flames that burn off what's fluffy and soft. There's more to learn (there'll always be more to learn). Still i'm so thankful for the hard courses the Teacher has guided me through thus far.
Today i'm able to click pause for a few hours and remember. Glance again at what is my part:
Pray, listen, remember, prepare, focus, respond, praise Him!
I wish I could show it in the circle/cycle way it rests inside me. It's basically a wheel image. Where “praise Him” appears to be at the end, it's actually not. It's always followed by “pray”. It is ever on repeat. It speaks of constant movement even if i'm sitting still. It's an internal motion that's good.
To pray is to acknowledge, “I need You Lord! (in everything), and so i'm coming to you over all things.”
To listen is the still that's needed inside and outside, the proving that “it's not my activity that makes things happen rightly, it will be Your guidance that leads me forward”. It requires self-control and heart-ears-opened. It's shutting out the noise of world and self, and connecting to the wonder of that still-small-voice. It's the whisper of the faithful One inside us.
To remember is the faith building part. It's the living-out of Psalm 77:11-12, “I will remember the deeds of the Lord; yes, I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will consider all your works and meditate on all your might deeds.” Remembering the parting and closing of the Red Sea... remembering the burning bush moment... remembering a baby born to a virgin destined for a cross... remembering the veil torn from top to bottom... remembering that a donkey spoke (and even he could speak truth)... remembering an ark and a rainbow and an empty tomb. Remembering the touch of His robe brought her healing... There's so much to remember that builds faith. And I also remember all He has done in my personal life. I remember who I was, who I am still capable of being, and who He invites me to be in His hands. I remember the dark nights i've pleaded with Him and the sureness of the coming sunrise. I remember the innumerable times there has been no way forward unless He does what only He is able to do ----- and He does it. I remember the moments I knew “death” was in front of me, and He stepped between us. I remember and it breathes courage in. Remembering is also a quiet, still time before the good One. Oh the value of being still with Him.
I'm remembering, as I prepare for these 16 days ahead. I'm remembering His faithfulness over these past 5 ½ years.
I'll never be able to share it all. It's a miracle really.
I'm moving back home, but i'm ever-changed.
Steve and I have 16 more sleeps on this side of the world before we board a plane (on my birthday no less) and feel again the sensation of a lift-off that others on the plane won't be feeling. And mostly all I can do in moments like that is sit in quiet amazement.
I look at my journal entries, going all the way back to 16 days before we left home and felt the lift-off that would carry us to life in Kenya. I remember well those days and I want to go back and hug that lady who penned out her heart. She was leaning into the wind of obedience and giving it all she had. But good-grief, she was so aware of her sorrow and need. She was honest with ink. Imagine it. She knew she was obeying the One who made her, yet she still felt profoundly weak. Think of a person preparing to run a triathlon who's also hooked up to IV fluids. I remember how i'd cry out to God saying, “You do know YOU are the One who has to do this. You are aware that I can not do this. You realize this is all YOU, right Lord?” (It's in my journal.... it was real.) And He again was faithful.
16 days before we departed for Kenya, I was helping my daughter and sister make pretty little pink and brown burlap flowers for Maggie's wedding which would take place 5 days before we departed. Sitting at my dear sister's dining room table we laughed and worked (and sometimes cried) out all the details of planning a wedding and moving to Kenya. It was a lovely time. It was a gut-wrenching time. And now I sit 16 days before departing from Kenya and flying back home.... 10 days of intense teaching is complete (10 more teaching days will begin next week), final exam given this morning, we'll go visit a woefully sick little girl today and carry desperately needed things to her and her family in a slum nearby. If we had never come, we would have missed so much that is in His heart.
And --- we'll return home changed.
We've seen and smelled and heard and felt much that could never let a person stay the same.
I've been held in the arms of strong Kenyan women who have scars. I thought I was suppose to hold them in my arms..... but they were so quick to hold me. I've seen strong American women care so deeply for them and for me, and do the best they could to reach for us all. The flow of His heart through them, it's overwhelmed me body and soul. I've had Kenyan ladies inspire me and American ladies compel me forward. I've watched Kenyan girls flounder in the grip of cruelty, and found courage to enter the arena with them. They don't necessarily want to be “rescued”, they really just want to be able to believe they are loved and they can rise above. THAT is a miracle to see.
Heaven is the place of rescue.
Heaven will come for everyone who carries Christ inside them.
Facing the realness of a hard world makes us know --- we can not rescue anyone really. But we can carry His love to them. It's no small thing. It's the right way.
Love God – Love others.
It's the stepping stones that lead to the moment of relief. The moment of release. The moment when we will, in Christ, step out of this broken world and into His HOME. That's the place of rescue.
But that can only happen --- true “rescue” can only come ---- after HIS LOVE has entered in and they are able to see that nothing can separate them from His love. WE CAN rise above whatever surrounds us because HE HAS entered into that place with us.
It is in the remembering, we are compelled to prepare (for what is next)...... to focus (on that assignment)........respond (in the way He guides)....... and praise Him again and again, because we know it's all His.
His journey (being lived out in us).
His plan (being worked out through us).
His heart (being guided in our own).
And His love (that brings the Light).
Without His love --- darkness overwhelms. Mansion or slum, in wealth or poverty --- without the entrance of His love, darkness keeps the light shut out.
I've learned so much (in a hard classroom) these 5 ½ years. Perhaps, this reality is at the top of the long list. It's been learned at a deeper place found only in the guts of a heart that's been broken and restored.
“If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing.............”(1 Cor. 13:1-2)
This restored heart is gushing over the joy of what's ahead.
HE authors it all.
Aren't we all so thankful for that?