|Windows in a church in Kitale, Kenya|
I sit here tonight --- in silence.
Except for Steve's soft snores – and the cricket sounds outside. Occasionally a motor runs in the distance, likely a generator. Power is out, again.
The only light in our room is this computer screen.
The time on it shows 1:42PM --- but that's Mockingbird Road time --- as I have not been able to access internet since we arrived. Here, it's 8:42PM --- and all is dark and quiet and I am “alone”.
Alone with this computer and this sleeping man ---- and Abba.
I've been sitting here reciting scripture from memory --- no power needed to do that. Then a song rolls through my thoughts --- “All the way my Savior leads me... who have I to ask beside --- how could I doubt His tender mercies... who through life had been my guide? All the way my Savior leads me....... cheers each winding path I trod--- gives me grace for every trial – fills me with the Living bread. … (my heart presses in to sing loudly in my silence)...You lead me, and keep me from falling, You carry – me close to your heart --- and surely your goodness and mercy will follllll-owwwww me.”...
On this computer are thousands of pictures of precious moments --- past. Proof of all the times He has led me --- and carried me --- and poured out His tender mercies on me.
Sitting here in this dark place ---- I cling to what He has done, and require myself to look ahead to what He will surely continue to do. For He has brought me to the place of this complete knowing --- I – can – not – do it without Him. I won't try. I can not do “it” except for Him.
“I will remember the deeds of the Lord; I will remember your miracles of long ago.
I will meditate on all your works, and consider all your mighty deeds...” Psalm 77:11-12(NIV)
If i'm honest, I want to run as fast as I can back to 6355 Mockingbird Road, and huddle there with the dream I held for many years. Children and grandchildren in and out of my doors with cookies always in the oven and flowers always abloom.
But if I get deep-down-real with myself ---- what I want most of all ---- is for my first moments in front of Him at the end of this life – to bring rejoicing over what He allowed me to learn and do and give. Joy over completion of the transformation, not regret over atrophied flesh-self. No whimper over disobedience or stubbornness or distrust. And so --- living now for what will be ---- requires surrender and trust and a brokenness that craves His paths.
I remind myself, often. I say it to myself over and over again.
for the deceiver works to deceive me.
We must be diligent to stay on the wall. I remember the words that came from Christ's lips, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me. If you try to hang on to your life, you will lose it. But if you give up your life for my sake, you will save it.” Matthew 16:24-25 (NLT)
I want to look back and remember sweet moments with our little ones (now big ones). And I will. Our life together – it has been and still is beautiful.
It will be different in the days ahead.
Different can still be sweet.
I want to draw them near to me, and cling to what He has given me --- it has surely been more than enough Lord.
--- to stay there (in body or mind) would be dishonoring and self-centered and frightening.
For just as easily as you gave ---- you can take away.
Much easier it will be to let it go, lay it down, and honor You through the surrender for the goodness you have shown me...
---- than it would be to try and cling to what is familiar and comfortable to me, and feel it slowly but surely slide from my grip.
Nothing living likes to be gripped. (When we are gripped, we tend to gripe.)
...your grace has soaked me through...
And so, I commit Lord, I have, I will, I do, I choose to ---- let go of what I treasure, to daily lay them in your lap.
No gripping or griping allowed.
No gripping my hands around my wants – and no griping over what you have placed my hands upon.
I trust you.
I want more of you.
I want them to see more of you in my life.
I want them to see more of you in their lives.
I want to see more of you than of me ----- in their lives Abba.
I want to bless and give and serve and help and love and ---- for now --- that means “go”.
I trust you much more than myself.
I know the frailty of me.
I know the greatness of you.
I will remember...
Please multiply Your goodness in their lives ---- it will go far beyond any cookie filled, flower adorned, peace-soaked place I dreamed of. Instead may their days ahead be blessed more proportionately to who You are... human dreams seem so tiny when eyes are set firmly on Your greatness. Oh yes... “I will remember the deeds of the Lord; I will remember your miracles of long ago. I will meditate on all your works, and consider all your mighty deeds...”
(written our second night in Kitale)
©2013 Donna Taylor/Reaching for the Robe
©2013 Donna Taylor/Reaching for the Robe
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